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GOD'S PHONE LOGS PROVE HE DID NOT SPEAK TO BUSH
'Out of the Loop' On Iraq, Almighty Says
From The Borowitz Report: http://www.borowitzreport.com
Days after the BBC reported that President George W. Bush claimed God told him to invade Iraq, the Almighty held a rare press conference today to say that He was "totally out of the loop" on the March 2003 invasion.
Reporters packed a meeting room at the Grand Hyatt Hotel in Washington, D.C. to hear the angry denial of the Supreme Being, who had not held a press conference in over half a year.
Dressed in a white robe and sporting his trademark long, flowing beard, God told a reporter that the president's version of events was "bogus," adding, "Dude, I don't even know the guy."
The King of the Universe then showed reporters detailed phone logs from March 2003 revealing that He had no conversations with President Bush, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, or anyone else involved in the decision to invade Iraq.
While the logs showed no conversation with the president, they did indicate that on March 24 of that year God placed a call to actress Nicole Kidman to congratulate her on winning the Best Actress Oscar for her performance in "The Hours."
In what some saw as a particularly sarcastic rebuke of the president, God offered this possible explanation of Mr. Bush's claim that He had told him to invade Iraq: "Maybe he has me confused with Dick Cheney."
Elsewhere, the Department of Homeland Security said that the recent terror threat to New York City was "specific but non-credible," and that so was the nomination of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court.
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Vacation's All He Ever Wanted -- Late-Night TV Weighs In on Bush's Aversion to Work
"President Bush is going on his annual vacation. The White House says he goes to his Texas Ranch to unwind. I'm thinking, when does he wind?" --David Letterman
"As you know, President Bush is taking 5 weeks off. It's like he's still in the National Guard." --Jay Leno
"It turns out President Bush can run again in the next election. Now I know you're only supposed to be allowed two terms, but the Supreme Court said if you count his vacation time, he's barely served one." --Jay Leno
"President Bush is on a five-week vacation. How many folks get five weeks off a year? You know, if I want five weeks off I have to have open heart surgery, for God's sake." --David Letterman
"The president jumped on a plane to start a five-week vacation. This will be the longest presidential vacation in 36 years. This means President Bush has now been on vacation for 27% of his presidency. That means the country could be 27% more screwed up than it already is." --Jimmy Kimmel
"President Bush is at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, and here's the good news -- he says he will only stay until Crawford is capable of self rule." --David Letterman
"Bush woke up this morning, saw his shadow and now -- six more weeks of vacation." --Jay Leno
"President Bush is vacationing in Crawford, Texas. He will be vacationing for five weeks. That's a long time. I don't think he has an exit strategy for his vacation either." --David Letterman
"Now is a great time for President Bush to go on vacation because Iraq is pretty much under control. But a White House spokesman said Bush is using his vacation to reconnect with regular people. So you know what that means -- he's drinking again." --David Letterman
"After President Bush signed the new transportation bill, he said it's not enough to just sign the bill -- people have to show up and do the work. Then he went back to his five-week vacation." --Jay Leno
"President Bush still having his five-week vacation. Today President Bush announced he is going to leave his ranch in Texas to visit Idaho for two days. However, Bush told his supporters, 'Don't worry, I won't do any work there either.'" --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush is on week three of his marathon five-week vacation. In fact, he has been gone on vacation for so long that today in Washington, a judge ruled that a young couple with two children can now legally move into the White House because it appears to have been abandoned by its previous tenants." --Jay Leno
"President Bush is on a five-week vacation. From what? President Bush, before he went on vacation, he signed a bill that will extend daylight savings another month. He said it proves we're winning the war on darkness." --David Letterman
"President Bush is now in the second week of his five-week vacation down there in Crawford, Texas. He's been taking a lot of criticism for this long vacation and his aides say he has his laptop with him so he can still play Solitaire and Minesweep -- so it's business as usual." --Jay Leno
"President Bush is taking his summer vacation. It's a five-week vacation. This is his fiftieth vacation in the last five years -- that's about the national average, isn't it? During his five-week vacation, he will continue to receive national security briefings. He won't be reading them, but he will receive them." --David Letterman
"President Bush talked tough today. He said he's not backing out, he's staying the course for as long as it takes. He's in it for the long haul. Not Iraq -- his 5-week vacation." --Jay Leno
"A lot of people are very critical of President Bush for taking the entire month of August off for his vacation. But his staff points out, there's nothing at the White House he can't do at the ranch, because the ranch is fully equipped. It's got the treadmill, the weight room, the jogging path, the big screen TV, they get Nickelodeon. It's got everything he would do." --Jay Leno
"President Bush is on a three-week vacation down in Crawford, Texas, and it's what they call a working vacation. And staff say it is an important time because it's time for him to kick back. And I'm thinking, when does this guy kick forward?" --David Letterman
"So Congress is on recess and Bush is on vacation -- the town is empty. It's so lonely in D.C. right now the NRA and the oil lobby are just giving money to each other." --Jay Leno
Voting is a lot like driving. When you're in the voting booth with your punch card, punch the "D" if you want to go forward and the "R" to go backwards. (paraphrased from a performance by comedian Elliott Threatt at the Truman Days Banquet, May 14, 2005)
VATICAN CITY - In a turn of events that stunned Vatican officials, U.S. President George W. Bush has been named to succeed John Paul II as the next leader of the Catholic Church.
For the first time in history, the College of Cardinals employed electronic voting machines to select the next Supreme Pontiff. Bush won by a margin of 2,528 votes, despite the fact that only 115 Cardinals took part in the process.
The machines, which were last used in the 2004 Ohio presidential election, also registered -27 votes for Democratic candidate John Kerry. "It's a miracle!" cried KENNETH BLACKWELL, spokesperson for voting machine manufacturer Diebold Corporation. "God has spoken."
Supporters of Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, whom early exit polls had leading by a comfortable margin in the voting, demanded a recount. But Blackwell said the voting machines, which had been modified to emit a plume of white smoke when a plurality was reached, are unable to produce a paper audit trail, rendering a recount impossible.
When informed of his victory, President Bush expressed surprise. "I was not aware I was running for the popecy," he said. "I wish people would tell me these things." However, he added that he would be "honored and privileged to serve as Supreme Pontoon for the rest of my natural life, or until I die, whichever comes first."
A Living Will for Our Times
I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and healthy body, do not wish to be kept alive by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their own lives depended on it.
If a reasonable amount of time passes (a month max) and I fail to sit up and ask for a cold pina colada and a copy of the sports section, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my family, friends, strangers, attending physicians and nurses not to initiate any heroics: no plugs, tubes or needles to try to keep me alive. Just pack it in and call it a day and say good bye.
Under no circumstances shall members of the state or federal legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machines. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business and pay attention instead to the health, education, welfare and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent vegetative state or coma.
Under no circumstances shall a politician butt into my case. I don't care how many religious fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge up for their re-election or election, it is my wish that they play politics with their own lives and leave me alone to die in peace.
I couldn't care less if a hundred Christians fundamentalists or other religious extremists send e-mails to legislators pretending to care about me. I don't know these people, they will always be both strangers and strange to me. I certainly do not authorize them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own business and leave me alone.
If any member of my family, friends, doctors, nurses or lawyers go against my wishes expressed here and turn my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell.
Sign _______________________________________
Date_____________________________________
Incoming cloud forces Bush into safe bunker
Julian Borger in Washington
Friday April 29, 2005
The Guardian
President George Bush was bundled into an underground bunker, Dick Cheney was evacuated to an "undisclosed location" and heavily armed secret servicemen took up defensive positions when a fast-moving cloud scudded towards the White House, it was reported yesterday.
The cloud that materialised 30 miles south of Washington on Wednesday morning was so dense it triggered radar monitors on the Domestic Events Network, intended to prevent a repeat of the September 11 attacks.
read the full article at: http://www.guardian.co.uk/usa/story/0,12271,1472905,00.html
How many Bush officials to screw in a light bulb?
Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect.
Why do you hate freedom?